The Invention of ??

by Mike Hemming

It seems that 2 smokeboat sailors, who shall be called Moe and Joe for this story, hit the beach after a long North Atlantic slap and tickle with planes and cans off Iceland. You know one of those ops so boring you could hear your nose hair grow, if the cold hadn't made it go into hibernation. So cold, foul weather jackets were worn to bed, and close friends almost fought over a blanket.

Well Moe and Joe are in definite need of a cold beer and a warm companion of the feminine persuasion. So off they go drinking and looking. The drinking works fine, I mean after all, they have plenty on money. However, the search for a soft sweet-smelling bed partner doesn't go as well. After numerous rebuffs from females they could see were less than gorgeous, taking into account their consumption of beer, they arrived at a bar known for its older and even uglier women. After looking over the prospects, our Horny Heros spy 2 ladies that are not too bad looking at all... No where near any level of coyote ugly.

The truth is however, that these ladies are just plain old, with a capital O, as in older than Bushnell's father's mistress. But with the hour being late and nothing to lose, they saunter over and ask the ladies to dance. Surprise, surprise, the offer is accepted and things progress in an average fashion for a while. You know the standard my name is, smiles and weak jokes from both sides. Both Moe and Joe have decided it don't matter how old these broads are if they are willing, it will be horizontal refreshment time. At last, the moment of truth... Closing time, the time where you find out if 4 hours of beer, food and maybe cab rides are going to be worth it.

Wonder of wonders, the offer is accepted and,

"We can go to our place if you want..."

gets tossed out. Whew! No motel bills added on!

Things continue to progress in an orderly fashion until actual sleeping arrangements are mentioned. It seems the apartment has only 1 bedroom with twin beds in it, and the ladies are not up for anything kinky... No sort of 'group gropes' for them.

Sweating bullets, Moe and Joe convince them that it won't be perverted if the lights are out and each couple stays in their own bed. Each couple undresses and slips into bed, whereupon the noises emanating from each bed signify that nature is taking its course. Moe hears parts of the conversation from the bed beside him and perceives that Joe's companion Jean has what is kindly put as a 'dryness problem' in an 'important area'. As Moe climbs in the saddle he hears Joe rummaging through the bedside table for a 'lubricant', which he finds and applies to the proper appendage.

Moe being a young man far too long denied the release of love, finishes before long... But not in such a short time to offend Mary, his companion. Snuggling up to Mary, time passes and Moe is soon ready for round 2. It is starting to filter into his mind that Joe and Jean are still in round 1, but pays no more attention to the others as he and Mary join in a second horizontal cha cha.

Afterwards, as Moe's brains return to inside his head, he realizes all is not well in the next bed. Joe has not completed his end of the act and Jean has at least twice, but is now getting sore. Finally he asks Joe,

"What the heck is goin on?"

Joe, sweat-covered and panting, says,

"I dunno... Can't feel a damn thing!"

Whereupon Jean being insulted, shoves Joe off onto the hard cold floor.

After some flailing and yelling the lights are turned on, Joe still erect and red in more than his face stomps out of the room. Jean embarrassed and sore runs to hide in the bathroom. As Moe is asking,

"What the heck?"

Mary starts to giggle and says,


Showing the tube of 'lubricant' clearly labeled Solarcaine. The next morning Joe and Moe leave, Joe is hardly able to walk and Moe can't stop laughing but swears he will never tell a soul.

Well he lied... He did tell me and I've kept the secret long enough.

Joe, well he got the last laugh, if you ever buy a product called Prolong or Delay creme, you're buyin' his product... After all, he invented it and suffered through its test phase!