Explanation of How Ugly the Maid Was.

by Mike Hemming

This information is for sailors who understand how the derivation of horizontal refreshment can turn the brain into something resembling pureed broccoli. We all know that the longer one goes without companionship of the female kind can reduce one to the state in which one will attempt to form a sexual union with a cord of combustible cellulose, if he assumes a reptile resides within. Rates at which this will happen differ from sailor to sailor, we all remember the TM3 who would cross pollinate with Godzilla's sister 12 minutes after release with Norfolk's prettiest bar maid, which is a relative description at best. No this description is for those of us with the normal hormone levels and morals of the average smoke boat sailor.

As a base line, figure a sailor that has had companionship in the last 5 days, who would not seriously attempt the act with a female who was of less that average looks. I.E. That means 2 eyes and most of her teeth, over 90 but under 180 lbs. in weight. Providing her body odor would not be noticeable in Hogan's alley and her breath would not set off the hydrogen detectors. If after a 4-week snorkel run to the Azores and back turns this average woman into Miss America, then no harm is done. If however time at sea and consumption of alcohol turns something that is 'coyote-ugly' into average or beautiful then that is bad. And of course if you realize the object of your affections is 'coyote-ugly' to start with, then that is okay. I am sure most of you do not realize there are 3 levels to 'coyote-ugly'. The one every one remembers is actually level 2. You know if she is asleep on your arm the next morning you will chew it off to keep from waking her. Level 1 is when as you leave you put your foot in the commode and piss down your leg to keep from the noise waking her. Level 3 is the ugliest, in theory she would be so ugly that if you sobered up while in the act you would cut off your priceless appendage because you wouldn't want it back! There have been no known cases of this happening, but it remains a possibility as long as sub sailors roam the earth. However if we held a short arm inspection on the denizens of this BBS we might well find that it has already happened.

Any guesses on likely candidates. Any way this has been a long attempt to tell Dex, Olgoat and Shaft that the maid in the Bidet Abuse story was ugly. How ugly? Well, put simply, after 49 days without orgasmic companionship and enough frog booze to fill WRT, I could still see she was coyote level 3. Too ugly to give it to a non-qual mess cook. And this was from a sailor who had returned from liberty not once but twice with bits of bark in his socks and splinters in a most painful area.