Bidet Abuse

by Mike Hemming

When Carp was in the Med. In 65 one of our stops was Nice, France. After spending 3 weeks crossing the Atlantic to spend a few days in one of the world's liberty ports from hell, Rota Spain. Then back to sea for another 2 weeks of group grope with the skimmers and airdales. The captain knowing it was time for some serious liberty said if we had an address we could be reached at, we could stay over until quarters the next morning. When liberty went down for the previous day's duty section, 6 of us went off to find a place to stay for the night. Of course that didn't stop us from stopping to quaff some frog booze, a particular vino struck the fancy of our palates and wallets. It did take us several tries to understand that wine in France comes with a cork and not a screw top. After visiting several watering holes on the way toward the inexpensive hotels, life was fine.

A local was asked where a reasonably priced hotel was, he said,

"just follow me I know just ze place".

So off we went... Up a street, over a few, down one, and up another couple. Having arrived at a hotel that looked reasonable, Shaft and I went in to find out the price, we being the 2 most sober. The price was really cheap, I was surprised... Danger signal #1. I in my 'fuzzy 3 bottles shared with Shaft' condition, I did notice the lobby was almost devoid of furnishings... Danger signal #2. The agreed price was paid in frogs as we called them.

We were shown to our rooms... Shaft and I in one, with Terry the Animal and Asseyes in the one next door. You laugh at the name Asseyes? If you ever saw Frank drunk he was the poster child for eyes that looked like piss holes in the snow. Anyway, it was decided that we would finish our wine and decide who would go back to the boat to check our address in with the Duty Officer. At this point Shaft has to take a leak and goes into the head to accomplish same. Being a West-by-God Virginia boy, he is unaware of Europe's full complement of bathroom appliances. He is standing there doing #1 in the first porcelain fixture he comes to. In comes the maid to do whatever maids do when she sees Shaft whizzing in the bidet, she lets out with a shriek that would wake up the ATR watch at sea. And down the hall she goes babbling and hollering, Terry and Asseyes hearing the commotion try to open the connecting door into our room. The trouble is the door opens into our room and there is a humongus wardrobe in front of the door, being drunk when the door doesn't open they just shove harder. Which causes the wardrobe to start toppling to the floor. Which I catch, it was either that or become a pancake. I am also laughing my butt off at Shaft who comes out of the head wondering,

"what the hell was she yelling about"

while buttoning his pants up. The wardrobe has fallen far enough to break one of the front legs off and in our happy condition we cant get the damn thing back on. I am still laughing too hard to suggest anything worth while, so the ever-resourceful Shaft breaks the remaining legs off and throws them under the bed. The last leg is thrown too hard and it goes all the way under the bed to bounce off the wall as the female owner comes in the room. This lights off a stream of frog invective punctuated with the English words,

"Get out!"


"I give money back."

Less than 2 minutes later, all 6 of us are standing in the street, with the other four going WTF happened. Shaft and I start to explain, when I burst into laughter again because coming from all directions is a stream of beautiful young women. They are all going into the "hotel" with no luggage we were just evicted from. In between laughs I explain to our companions that we have just been thrown out of a house of horizontal refreshment after less than 5 minutes on site. This fact has been submitted and confirmed by Guinness as a Sublant record.

Authors Note. When this story was first told I received some questions whether the maid was actually a maid and how ugly she was. In the next installment I will explain just how ugly she was.