Always a fun time, half-way through the "BOOMER" patrol you have a little party, complete with entertainment of a competitive nature, "The Beauty Pageant".
In this politically correct society of today, this is probably a lost art, converting a butt-ugly boat sailor to one of the "Fairest Maids at the Ball". I believe that was the purpose of all those "pig contests" during our misspent time on the beach, finding the fugliest woman in town so that you have a model to build from.
Anyway, one patrol on the yusta fish (626G) we (the Missile division) cheated.
We started off with a non-qual of exceptional beauty. A fair-haired, blue-eyed lad of slender build and straight white teeth (all of them his, even). Wait a minute I'm getting ahead of myself...
We picked up the boat in Kings Bay, Georgia, the "new base", for a warm water refit (we made our patrols out of Holy Loch Scotland). At the time (Nov '79) there's not much for a sailor to do in the immediate area, Hell they were even showing the movies on the side of a building, but however comma, the base provided a bus to and from the drinking establishments in Florida (Jacksonville ? the memory fades here).
Well, after we had decided who our "Queen" was gonna be we went to town with a mission...bring back items that will or might actually get us a 'win' in the beauty pageant.
Now some guys would ask their wives or girlfriends for certain items that they wouldn't want back, or the most desperate ones actually went out and bought them. Not us though, using our manly skills, we went forth in true submariner fashion to talk strange girls out of their "personals" and have them donate them for a worthwhile cause.
To all of the TMs (and DBFrs) out there I want you to know I taught those MTs well, those young lads did us proud, we went back to the boat after one night with all of the garments necessary to outfit any "lady". We had a couple pairs of panties to choose from, we had various types of lingerie, teddies, halter-top spaghetti-strapped things, a feather bola, scarves, crotch-less panty hose, the works. Hell my sea pup even got a pair of shoes that fit him.
Not only were these ladies gracious enough to donate these articles but they sprayed enough fu-fu juice on them that berthing in the missile compartment smelled just like a cat house and you could almost expect the infamous Thelma that we hear so much about, to step around a missile tube and promote her girls (not that I know personally what those places smell like, that's hearsay knowledge).
Well, we now have all the stuff needed to create our "Goddess", the only problem now is that we have to wait a gahdam month and a half (35 friggin' days) to put it all together. We've also gotta explain for the first few zone inspections, why our bunks smell so funny.
"Sailor, that rack don't smell like no amine or hydraulic fluid to me."
"Is that an atmosphere contaminate you got there?"
"No sir, just something my wife sent in the last care package."
"Well I wouldn't hang my wife's panties out in plain view like that, someone just might want them worse than you"
"Aye aye sir."
Not to mention all the wild dreams you had with that scent constantly around you.
Halfway nite finally arrives, our entry decides that he's going to shave his arm pits, legs, and chest, basically his whole body for effect. Then I get to "paint" a tattoo on his "cheek," my favorite Ltjg walks into the compartment, sees what I'm doing and immediately leaves. I paint a rose on his little butt, which becomes his name for the contest. He puts on his selected outfit and his make-up (yes we even got some lipstick and rouge).
We had this thing won from the get-go, but to insure his victory, our little Queen sat in the skippers lap and "LAP DANCED", blew in his ear, then finished his short journey into Daniel Webster history. What I don't understand is, why none of the wives wanted any part of the costumes!?!?!? We had to keep them for future patrols.
We went to sea for a reason, but we had fun too.
Many thanks to all the girls at the "TOP OF THE TIDE", "GOOD TIME CHARLEY'S" and the infamous "BOOBIE TRAP" who contributed to our fun and good times.
Billy Bob Lary .