Been Saved, HALLELUJAH, Been Saved

by Bob 'Dex' Armstrong
 
 

(Back on August 21st., Stone, a.k.a. 'Olgoat', posted this on Ron Martini's BBS…)

(This was posted by Patty Wayne in response…)


There was a story many years ago. A buyer for a major cigarette distributor was in North Carolina buying several box car loads of Raleighs. The fellow representing Raleighs shook the buyer's hand and said,

"You won't be sorry… Our formula now calls for 5% tobacco mixed with 95% horseshit."

The buyer looked surprised…

"Heck, give me six more box car loads… I never knew there was any tobacco in the damn things."

That is just about where these sea stories are… We're at 5% and holding. The truth has been diluted to the point that it is no longer visible without the use of long range optics. My wife now sleeps with a double barrel shotgun and garlic around her neck… Knowing that the ghost of Hyman Rickover may return and eat her husband's heart out any day now. She has not been herself since she returned one evening late and found the entire blue crew of a boomer doing a voodoo dance on our lawn… Handling snakes, speaking in tongues, burning incense and throwing chicken bones in the air.

We were never worried until Patty Wayne let some nuclear secrets out of the bag. Diesel boat sailors were taught that the magic words of the nuke navy were "Sadda-ga-doola, micha-ga-boola, bibbidy-boppity-boo, Tippacanoe and Tyler too…" We never knew it was "Yadda-yadda-yadda…" But the scariest part was the revelation that Hyman himself was none other than the Anti-Christ.

"Holy catfish, Andy… Do dis mean dat lil' beady-eyed… unhappy looking… self-inflating ferret… who, if boiled for half a day, wouldn't make a good bowl of soup for a sick man… That little man who viewed the world through lenses as thick as the bottom of a grape soda bottle… Do dis mean he in de league wid de debbil?"

"Or do dis mean dat lil' miserable sonuvabitch ++ IS ++ de debbil?"

"All dis gotta be 'splained to us dumb bastards ob de fossil fuel fleet… Us reprehensible, no 'count, wuffless folk dat done been classified as a carbuncle on de hind end ob de Goddess of Deep Submergence. Reverend Patty 'Bubba Boudreaux' Wayne ob de 'Church of What's Happenin' Now', done done us all a great service by enlightening us to the true nature ob de 'Big Daddy of the Atomic Monster'. From now on, we gonna bolt de do'e at de Smoke Boat Chapter ob de Mystic Knights of the Sea lodge hall…"

"Check de flypaper mama, I think we caught another one…"

"Wat'z the limit, Andy?"

"Dunno, but I does know, tain't proper to haul in more dan you kin cook 'n eat."

Okay Stone, we're gonna have to start takin' em off the hook and throwing them back...


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