Stuke, Master Bullshit Magician



by Bob 'Dex' Armstrong






Okay Stuke, now that you are giving away Cold War liberty secrets, I'm gonna give away one of the best ones you cooked up.

In the late '50s, they made the former skipper of the Nautilus... The guy who took her to the pole... 'Nemo' Anderson... Emperor Moonbeam, an admiral and he went to the Med and became COMSIXFLEET. This 'God's Gift to Brilliance' came up with a screwball liberty policy whereby all non-rated men had to be back aboard ship by midnight. He lost his 'Nemo' name and became 'Cinderella' Anderson, the idiot that invented Cinderella liberty... Too damn much nuke on the brain did the bastard in.

As a wierd byproduct of this idiot's lunacy, the great minds at the helm of our naval forces started making petty officers sew their gahdam crows on their peacoats so the shore patrol vultures could snap up E-3s.

To counter this, Adrian Stuke invented the Portable SP Masquerade Pack.

Here's how you do it... All E-3s take note. First, you appropriate an 'SP' armband.  If you are so stupid that you don't know where they are, go to the yeoman's shack and you'll find them in a box in his safe, next to his secret stash of skin books. You can get two by trading a couple of real juicy skin novels and an I.O.U. for a pitcher of beer. All yeomen work side deals... All of 'em do it. They invented hocus-pocus.

Once you have your 'SP' armband, have a naval tailor seamstress sew a crow (a second class crow works best) to the back of the armband so that you can only see the tips of the eagle's wings at the top and about a half-inch of red chevron at the bottom.

To any half-wit, shore duty, sleepwalking shore patrol, you are obviously a petty officer assigned to the shore patrol... A brother Gestapoman... A member of the most worthless bunch of sonuvabitches on earth.

You can sign for shipmates, round up stray drunks and watch E-3s run like hell for the midnight launch. You are bulletproof and you will find that most hookers get real lonely when the last midnight liberty boat clears the pier... And competitive prices for cohabitational recreation become highly negotiable.

I don't think Adrian Stuke ever took out a patent on the 'Instant Promotion Magical SP Armband' so you can mass-produce them for your entire squadron.

If you get caught, tell 'em you are a JG with ONI... At two in the morning, the shore duty brain is so slow and muddled in coffee that the sonuvabitches will buy just about anything.

If they still don't believe you, tell 'em to phone Stuke. He'll come up with something... He always did.

Maybe someday, Stuke will tell how to steal an officer's hat with scrambled eggs on the visor and how you can put it on... go out in a naval shipyard and get giant cranes that pick up whole battleship turrets, to come and help you load cases of beans and toilet paper.

Just another in a long line of the 'Kid from Quincy's E-3 Labor-Saving Hints'.

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